Ghirahim Boss Battle 1
by SkywardDiamond
Summary: With all of the millions of gamers, Link and Ghirahim have been through the Skyview Temple battle many times. So many times, in fact, that the battle is but a mere - and rather ridiculous - shadow of its former self. T because Ghira's a perv.


**Um… A quick spur of the moment thing I threw together to cheer myself up. Nothing crazy. It's pretty short. And completely stupid. No CC please, this is not my usual way of writing.**

**The ending is a direct stab at exaggerated GhiraLink sex fics. Just for the heck of it—it's obligatory.  
**

**Let the pointless, mind-numbing, time-killing reading begin. May it serve you well.**

**PS: Fi's on vacation...  
**

After finagling the stupid pointless gold carving into the lock, Link walked in the room. Again.

The heavy stone slab of a door crashed down behind him. He flinched, jumped and turned around, staring at it as if he had no idea what happened, and as if pretty much every single door didn't do this right before pretty much every single boss battle ever within the Zelda universe.

"What the? Meh, oh well." With a curl of his oddly effeminate lips, Link shrugged and turned around. Pulling a pair of FDA-approved Super Sunnies out of his pouch, he slipped them over his eyes just in time for the retina-burning extravaganza which was the demon lord's usual entrance.

"Wow. Even with 99.9-percent UVA and UVB protection, this still really hurts. Why haven't they hit the two button yet…?"

Once Link's corneas were effectively fried, he spotted the demon—who was completely opposed to being nice to anyone at any time forever—in his usual place and position: Standing, facing to the side, right arm out, rapier in hand.

"Hey, Ghira."

"Hey, sky-fool."

Ghira proceeded to swing his sword around all melodramatic-like before it disintegrated into a flash of trapezoids.

"No diamonds today?" Link asked.

"Nope. Gave 'em all to _yer mom_."

"Man, one of these days we really need to inspect the walls and find the source of this creepifying piano-slash-pipe organ music…'cause I keep having these nightmares—"

"_Sehen Sie sich, wer es ist_," Ghira said with a chuckle.

Link looked around. "Uuuuuuuuuh…that doesn't sound like, 'Look who it is'…"

"Figured I'd mix it up with some German. Actually, it means, 'You will see that you know who it is', but it's the best I could do with the English-to-German translator."

"Ah, gotcha," Link said with a nod, observing Ghira's usual stagy turnaround.

"I thought the tornado I stirred up would have—Whoooaaa…"

"What?"

"Protective goggles? Really?"

"Hellz effin' yeah. Five bucks on Amazon. Eligible for _super saver shipping_." Link made sure to add an emphatic surfer accent at the end. "Best part? Comes in three, count 'em—THREE sizzlin' colors."

"Hot pink suits you."

"Thanks."

"But what's with the matching tunic?"

"Oh. Fledge made it for me. I woulda worn it regardless."

"That kid's always making stuff for you…. It's kinda creepy."

"Yeah, I know."

"How come 'I love Fledge' is embroidered across the chest?"

"How come—Oh, snap! Huh, didn't notice that…."

"Oh. This just reminded me of something," Ghira said thoughtfully.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. Gimme my debit card back. I just got hit with this monster freakin' overdraft fee and I know it's 'cause of you, _knave_."

"Me?"

"What the hell are you buying besides moronic eye-wear?"

"Buttloads of stamina potion," Link said.

"What? Why?"

"'Cause you beat the crap outta me three skillion times a day."

"Oh. Right. So where was I?" Ghira ran his fingers through his hair.

"Um, 'Not that your life or death has any consequence'," Link reminded him, removing his goggles and placing them securely in his bag for tomorrow's tanning session with Groose.

"Crap, right. Not that your life or death has any consequence…sky-chump."

"Nice little add-on, there."

"_Danke_."

"N-P."

"It's just the girl that matters now, and I can sense—"

"Oh, you can have your copy of The Hunger Activities back. I finished it. Story's messed up. I _liked_ that character, man…"

Ghirahim just sighed and looked at the door with the cool symbol. "Blah blah yes we plucked her blah blah blah perch blah blah now she's ours blah allow me to introduce myself." Link stood in the distance, staring dumbfoundedly, a look completely uncharacteristic to him… "I am the sexiest man alive. Deal with it." Ghira's eyes got all big for a second while he tossed his hair and said, "Hmmm.…"

Link shrugged. "Can't argue with that."

"In truth, I much prefer to be indulged with my full title.…"

"Lord Debbie?"

"Yes—mmm… What? No—!" There was a pause. "Demon Lord Ghirahim…" Ghira's eyes shifted.

Link looked around for a minute. "Oh yeah!" He gave Ghira's sexy back his most ferocious yet utterly unconvincing angry face. He even made an attempt (albeit pitiable) to growl a little bit as he reached around to grab the hilt of his sword in preparation to release its fury upon the planet once more.

"Did you really just draw your sword? Foolish boy," Ghira said, looking at the door. It was purdy...

"Actually, that was just my stomach. I ate a kikwi before coming in here. _This_ is the sound of blood and thunder:" _Sha-wing_.

Ghira slowly turned. His arms came up. "By all rights the girl should ha—"

"Whoa. Wait, wait…. Don't move."

"What? Why?" Ghira asked, his hands hovering by his sides.

"You're just really' hot in that pose. Just hold it there a minute." Link stopped to drool. "Man, I really hope they don't hit the two button right now."

"Uuuuhh…" Ghira bent over, trying to ignore the idiocy. "Can we just get this done, please?" Link scoffed and pouted. "She was nearly ours when that infernal beanpole arrived—Dammit. Dammit!"

"What? It made you feel furious, outraged and sick with anger?"

"No—actually a deku hornet just stung me on the ass. How the f—" He batted the stealthy bugger away. "Anyway, yeah, Impa pissed me off a little bit."

"Man, at least she didn't yank the back of your underwear up over your head like she did to me the other day." Link shuddered.

Then, Ghirahim went poof, disappearing in a cloud of octagons.

Link looked around, genuinely confused. "Whoa, didn't see that coming."

Ghira's voice rang out from the whimsical land of kittens and rainbows, the dimension he always transported to when he disappeared. "This turn of events has left me with a strong appetite for bloodshed. _And_ some Rocky Mountain oysters, but I'll worry about that later..."

"Where you go, Ghira?" Link called, twisting around all retarded. "Oh yeah! My favorite part's coming up!" He smiled and dropped the tip of the sword to the floor. "Please don't hit the skip button; please don't hit the—GAH!" Ghira sneaked up and grabbed his butt. "Little forward today, eh Debbie?"

"It'd be pretty bastardly of me to take all of my borderline-personality-disorder-masked–as-megaloma niacal-narcissism-induced rage out on you, sky-wimp."

"That's not what the multitudes of yaoi-loving fangirls are thinking," Link somehow managed to say as his unhinged jaw swept the floor.

"So I promise up front not to murder you."

"Hmm, well that's a relief," Link said with a long exhale.

"No. I'll just _do_ you to death." Ghira's tongue left his mouth and whirled over Link's shoulder like a propeller blade.

"Sweet. Hey you wanna go zip-lining afterward? After a few death threats to this bokoblin I got him to climb that big tree out back with this vine and—"

"Sky-derp, you know I'm severely and debilitatingly acrophobic."

"That's what makes it fun," Link muttered.

Ghira's eyes shifted once more as he waited. "You're supposed to scamper away, turn around and shoot eye-hatred at me while secretly wanting it."

"Oh, right." Link did just that. Then, a remlit came flying out of nowhere and landed on his head, clutching and clawing his face. "AH! GHIRA HELP!"

Ghira just sighed again, amazed at Link's rather impressive ability to attract rabid little beasts at random. He quickly grabbed it by the scruff of its neck and threw it against the wall where it went splat and died.

"Agh, holy…thanks, Ghira," Link breathed, grabbing his chest.

Then, Link sang 'Maneater' while doing a little dance, and Ghira did the running man the whole time.

"Phew, I'm tired now," Link panted. "My little lime is all depleted. I guess we should fight now, huh?"

"Anytime, sky-doof."

They circled each other all intense-ish.

"Look!" Ghira shouted, pointing. "Pipit's behind you! And he's in a Speedo!"

"What? Again?" Link turned with great haste. "Hey.…"

"Yoink!" Ghira snatched the Goddess Sword by the blade.

"That was mean," Link whined like a little girl.

Ghira shook his head in dismay. "Every time…" He skillfully flipped the sword around, grabbing the hilt. "Hey, sky-douche! Think fast!"

After catching the hilt of his sword eye-first, Link's only remaining oculus was practically gouged out by a sharp projectile.

"Eat red dagger and _die,_ sky-sphincter!" Ghira cried with a maniacal laugh as he cart-wheeled and somersaulted around. Link drew back and swung, sending the serrated bits back to their owner. Drawing his rapier, Ghira whacked them back with a clang. The daggers that didn't embed themselves into Link's groin flew back at Ghira, lodging in the middle of his forehead.

Link laughed hysterically as Ghira gasped and pointed. "Holy turd! Doesn't that _hurt_?"

"Nope. I wore my titanium steel cup today," Link said proudly, his hands on his hips.

"No, I mean the ten or so metallic shards that implanted themselves in your chest."

Link's hands came up as his head dropped. "Oh yeah. So much for my chain mail," he said as blood dripped everywhere. "Did you seriously spell 'you suck' in daggers across my chest?" He slowly plucked them out one by one. "And how are you not bleeding to death with your head nearly cleaved in two like that?"

"Sky-hemorrhoid, I'm a sword. Swords are made of _metal_. Therefore, logic dictates that I, too, am a dick. I mean made of metal..."

"Oh. Right." Dropping the last dagger, Link brushed the front of his tunic off.

"Hey, you wanna do it now?" Ghira asked with an eyebrow bounce.

Link shrugged. "Word."

So they had sex. A lot. And Link had thirty-nine orgasms.

"Hey, that's twenty less than last time!" Link cried. "What gives? But wait—how is that even possible?"

"I am the Demon Lord Ghirahim."

"True."

"Wanna go again?"

"Psssh. Yesterday."

So they did.

_Later…_

"Well, sky-putz, I have a pressing appointment at 6:00 to be thrashed by my Master, wherein he will uphold and feed my insatiable need to terrorize others for my own self-validation."

"Ah, cool," Link said, beginning to daydream.

"So, we must bring the fun to a close."

"Mmmmmm, wha?"

"As per standard, you put up more of a fight than I thought possib—Actually, no, you didn't. You're a crappy swordsman, sky-asshat." Link just garbled and drooled. "So don't clap for yourself. Ever."

"Saywha?"

"Skipping the drabble about toying with you for too long and the sword being your only saving grace."

"Mmmkay," Link slobbered. "Actually, all this mind-blowing sex makes me hungry. Wanna go grab a burger?"

Ghira looked at his Rolex. His rapier exited in a flare of convex polygons. "Yeah, what the heck. Better to be murdered on a full stomach."

So, they did.

Forever, and ever, and ever.

Fin

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